Category Archives: Really Bad Music

It’s Dance Friday

No, no, no, I am not going to shake my groove thing to Hit Me Baby One More Time for a chance to win Britney tickets at the United Center, although she will be playing on my birthday this year and Maureen did offer to take me.  No, instead welcome to the first Friday edition of a dance through my brain.  I think it.  You read it.  Ready?

I had no intention of going to see the movie Thor, until I read in the paper this morning that  it was directed by Kenneth Branagh.  That combined with some good reviews have peaked my interest.  Although I was told I could not see any movie until I took my lovely wife to see the current adaption of her favorite novel, Jane Eyre.  How does Tuesday at 8:05 sound?  Yorktown Theater.

My oldest daughter turned 20 on Tuesday.  Happy Birthday, Stephanie.  You can stop that now.

I have no desire to see picture of Osama bin Laden with his face blown off.  Since Al-Qaida itself is not contesting the fact that he is dead, why do we need to prove to the same people who still think the President’s birth certificate is a fake that he is really, really, truly dead?  I thought that the whole point behind a covert operation is that it is covert.  I am perfectly ok with the fantasy world were Jack Ryan gets Willem Dafoe to fly a helicopter which he bought with a government check to head over and take him out.

The Sox are so bad right now, I almost can’t watch them.  Almost.  I am a glutton for punishment.  And since they don’t start tonight until 9:10, I have at least half an hour of a Bulls victory high before I am slammed back down to earth.

The song Rhinestone Cowboy has been running through my head all day.

Donald Trump has decided that driving the pace car at the Indianapolis 500 would be a conflict of interest with his potential campaign for president in 2012.  The only conflict I see is that the people who run the Indy are no longer interested.

This was teacher appreciation week.  In case you forgot, go out and appreciate a teacher.  If you’re in government, maybe appreciate them enough to keep their pensions in place.  I appreciated my favorite teacher last night.  What?  Librarians are teachers too.

I found myself in the strange position of agreeing with Michael Savage this week, but he was correct.  You don’t have to agree with someone’s political views or opinions to say someone did a good job.  He congratulated President Obama for a job well done Monday.  I congratulate him for saying so.

Wow, I haven’t mentioned William Kelly in my blog in months.

Although I knew I turned the coffee pot off this morning, there was a part of my brain that refused to accept the truth until I actually got home and saw it turned off.  Even then it still kept asking to see the long version of the off button.

Why is it that the jelly beans I put in the candy dish only disappear one color at a time?  And who ate all the orange.  Those are my favorite.

Lord of the Flies is still as bad now as it was in Junior High.  But Dammit!  I swear I am going to finish it this time.  I can’t believe it has taken me three weeks to get as far as I am.  It’s only 184 pages.  I read The Girl Who Kicked the Hornet’s Nest in less time than this, and it is almost 600 pages.  Only 66 pages to go.  Hell I should be able to finish it before the Sox are back to 500.

I did it again.  I turned my pillow into a taco.  This is why Maureen can’t buy me anything nice.

I think I need to take a refresher trip back to Ireland.  I still haven’t finished the whole story of our Honeymoon trip.  Is it like the thank you notes?  Do I have a whole year to finish them?

Spent the last month pissing and moaning at my son about not doing his math homework.  Excuse after excuse came out of his mouth.  I knew he was just being a stubborn little shit, fighting against me the more and more I pushed at him.  I know it was not for lack of understanding, he always scores well on the standardized tests.  He just wasn’t doing his homework.  Then I explained to him that if he got another D in math, he was going to have to take it over again in summer school.  Four days later all the work is done and he got an A on his test.  God I hate it when I’m right!

Thank God the second Blagojevich trial has started.  The paper was starting to get boring now that Carol Moseley Braun is no longer calling people crack whores.

I can’t believe we still have leftover ham from Easter.  How come the leftover beer never lasts this long?

This Sunday is Mother’s Day.  Give your mother a big kiss and a hug for me, and if she is no longer with us, close your eyes and travel back in time and give her one anyway.  Mothers are one of Gods best inventions.  Don’t take them for granted.  Love you Mom!

What Did I Learn? Grammy 2010

I have to start by being completely honest here.  I had no desire at all to watch the Grammy Awards last night, and I did not watch the entire show.  There was a little bit of friendly persuasion involved, and I am glad I got to see what I did.  It was very educational.  That is really all the set up that is needed.

The Top 10 Things I Learned While Watching the Grammy Awards!

10  –  It is possible to stop Kanye West

I am pretty sure Taylor Swift was looking over her shoulder every time she took the stage to accept an award, but she was in luck, there were no interruptions.  I was hoping that Kanye had developed a sense of control, but it appears that to make sure he did not make a fool of himself yet again, he skipped the night all together.  Although if you caught the look on Nicole Kidman’s face when Taylor won for Best Country Album, you could tell she was wishing Kanye had been there.

9  –  Stephen Colbert is funny, but predictable.

So, who didn’t know Stephen Colbert was going to ask his daughter if he was cool now after winning his Grammy for Best Comedy Album.  I actually found his opening monologue very funny, but it didn’t seem to play as well to the crowd.  It is easy to laugh out loud at the controversial stuff when the only other person there to hear you laugh is sitting on the red couch next to you, also giggling.  And listening to the third whitest man on the planet diss Jay-Z was quite enjoyable to me.  (Just to clarify, I am officially the second whitest man on the planet, and my use of the word diss even in writing was somewhat awkward.  According to some sources, Tim Gunn is the whitest man on the planet, but these same sources tell me he still has more street cred than I do.)

8  –  I want to party with Kings Of Leon

If any one group was completely unprepared to have their name called, it was Kings Of Leon.  Their self admitted drunken acceptance of the Record of the Year Award made them the top of my want to party with list.  There are two types of drunks in the world, Fun Drunks and Messy Drunks.  They proved that they are indeed Fun Drunks, and I have sent them an official Facebook invitation to the Super Bowl Party next Sunday at Finley Dunne’s.  If you don’t know where Finley Dunne’s is, you are obviously not cool enough to hang out with Kings Of Leon.

7  –  Green Day doesn’t need to guest star on Glee

One of Stephen Colbert’s better received jokes summarized that you know you have made it when they cover your song on the choir inspired show Glee.  Little did he know, Billie Joe Armstrong already beat him to the punch with his Rent inspired American Idiot: The Musical.  I am assuming that the members of Green Day did not come up with this idea on their own, but in my opinion, they have lost all standing as a “punk” band with this move.  The production number itself was really quite good, and the stage singers actually did a very nice job blending in with the band, but there is nothing more mainstream than a Broadway Musical.  It was always one of my biggest complaints about Rent.  How anti-establishment can you be when you’re catering to the rich well to do crowd you are supposedly rebelling against.  I will bet my house we will never see a musical based on the songs of The Ramones or The Clash.

6  –  Beyonce’ is Hot

Ok, so maybe this is not news to the rest of the world, but remember, I am the second whitest man on the planet.  Beyond that, she is also very talented.  I did not know that song she sang, and I got the eye roll from Maureen when I asked if it was a new song.  I was also not too crazy about the whole crotch grab thing.  It seemed a little awkward and forced.  Again Maureen, who knows much more about these things than I do, seemed to think it was some sort of tribute to Michael Jackson.  The entire number was very impressive.  Before this, the only thing I knew about Beyonce’ is that she used to be in a group called Destiny’s Child, and that according to those same sources, she does not moonlight as Rihanna.  Personally, I have never been in the same room with both of them at the same time, so until I do I will still have my doubts.  But there is no denying that the woman has some major talent.  And luckily a lot of double-sided tape.

5  –  Playing with Gaga will get you burnt

Did you see poor Elton John?  He got out flamed in more ways than one.  The opening number was interesting to say the least, but it should have put to rest any of those lingering rumors that Lady Gaga is not all lady.  I was going to post a picture here to illustrate my point, but it was too uncomfortable for me to even look at it.  Let’s just say there is a camel somewhere missing a foot.  I was really going to try to do this list without mentioning Gaga, but something just seemed wrong about that.  Her presence is too difficult to miss, even if her act has the draw of an accident on the Autobahn.  When it calmed down to just her and Sir Elton and the pianos, it was a nice duet.  But that lady is one serious freak.

4  –  Pink has a future with Cirque du Soleil

My like or dislike of Pink runs very hot and cold.  There are a number of her songs that I have enjoyed even if it took me a while to figure out that the lyrics were not as bouncy and fun as the songs themselves.  But as of late, it seems her music is overly obsessed with her ex-husband Carey Hart.  I understand that as an artist one must draw from their feelings and current emotions can direct the creative stream, but it seemed like almost every song was about the destruction of their relationship.  That aside, I have to admit that Pink gave the most impressive performance of the night.  Even more amazing when you realize she was working without a net or a safety harness.  If she did have some sort of safety devise somewhere, it was so well hidden that the illusion of danger was never broken.  And unless the wireless devise strapped to her shoulder was an illusion also, she did it without lip syncing.

3  –  I have deep sympathy for Michael Jackson’s children

Bare with me a little on this one, it may not come out the way I intend.  Certainly, one would have sympathy for any child who has lost a parent, but in this case their loss has been so public that it is going to have a lasting effect on their lives.  Normally, I would find myself not commenting on people who were born into such privilege.  They tend to not be in true contact with the normal world that the everyday folks live in.  Yes, these kids will be well cared for financially for the rest of their lives, but at what cost.  Because of who Michael Jackson was, and all the controversy that surrounded him, these kids lives are already messed up.  There was almost something creepy about the way his oldest son talked about his father’s message of love.  It is almost as if the “handlers” have already gotten a hold of these kids, and they are preparing them for some sort of career in the industry already.  There are so many unanswered questions about their father and their own lives that the tabloids are looking to find the answers to.  Their lives will never be normal.  I feel bad for them.  They are not in for an easy life.

2  –  If you mention Taylor Swift and Stevie Nicks doing a duet, my TV magically changes over to the Food Network.

I am not going to name names, but it seems that someone in our house really does not like Stevie Nicks, and just the thought of having to watch her and Taylor swift on stage together was enough to end our night with the Grammy Awards.  Even without the upcoming music that was promised, it probably was about the end of my Grammy night anyway.  It was almost nine o’clock already, and we had been out late the night before at a wedding, so my eyes were already starting to sag just a little.  There did come one time in the show when I knew I was just too old for the new music crowd.  As they were announcing the nominees for Best New Artist, Maureen and I looked at each other and realized we didn’t know who any of these people were.  I also didn’t really mind that the change came when it did, because we normally watch Wost Cooks in America on Sunday night, but I fell asleep before I found out if Fern made it to the finals.  (Side Note:  If you have been watching the show, there is not a contestant named Fern.  That is just the name I have given to the little jewish lady with the big glasses.  She looks just like this girl I knew in college named Fern Evans.  Sorry for the confusion.)

1  –  I have had my fill of Black Eyed Peas

Especially the tall long-haired guy who does his best impression of Zoolander every time he finds the camera.  Does he even really add anything to the band?  I have had the pleasure of seeing them perform several times on various award shows, and I can’t figure out why this guy is even up there.  If I were the texting type, I would have had to send out a WTF to all my friends at the end of that performance.  Once again, I understand that I am the second whitest guy on the planet, but did anyone find that performance good?  To make maters worse, what were those dancing pink things behind them on stage?  Please excuse me for being a little blunt, but they looked like giant parts of a woman’s body that rhymes with the name Dolores.  I have given the Black Eyed Peas enough of a chance.  I am done with them, and I do not feel satisfied at all.

The Worst Song On Radio

With many apologies to my sister Amy, I have got to say that the Miley Cyrus song Party in the USA has to be the absolute worst song I have heard in a long time.  I have listened to it a number of times, mostly because I have a 10-year-old daughter, but I have also listened to it on my own when it has come across my radio dial.  I have tried to like it, I really have, but the distorted vocals just keep reminding me of the Johnny Bravo episode of The Brady Bunch where Greg was hired because he fit the suit.  Other than the fact that is seems to put a smile on Molly’s face when she sings along, I can’t really find any other redeeming value to this song.  It is just plain irritating.  Having three kids, I have been subjected to a lot of bad music over the years, and for the most part I just grit my teeth and let them listen.  Stephanie was a big Britney fan, and at one time I could recite almost all the words to Oops, I Did it Again in my sleep, and I have had to watch the video to Lucky more times than I really care to remember.  Some of the music I didn’t mind so much, like when Alex got the Jonas Brother’s CD and had me play it every time he was in the car.  I also don’t mind Taylor Swift, but that song of hers about Romeo and Juliet get stuck in the brain for hours as soon as I hear it.  The other song that often gets stuck in my head is the LeAnn Rimes song from Coyote Ugly, but I think in that case it is not so much the song, but the movie I find irritating.  It is one of Stephanie’s favorite still, and I have a feeling Maureen would be a tad bit embarrassed to admit she likes it too.

So, I wanted to try and give Miley the benefit of the doubt, and I started a list in my head of the most irritating songs I could think of.  Please do not try this at home.  I am a trained, self-proclaimed specialist in this field.  You will only hurt yourself if you try.  Instead, let me do the work for you.  If you choose to keep reading, I have included for you my list of the Top 10 most irritating songs to me.  There are no magic criteria here, it is just my opinion.  I have restricted my choices based on the effect the song has had on my life personally, and also on the songs place in American Pop Culture.  Although there is any number of songs by Yoko Ono that would literally tear my spine out, the chances of me having to listen to them, accidentally or otherwise, are very slim.  For that reason they are not included.  Mostly the list will include songs that you know so be warned.  There is a good chance that you will be humming one of these tunes later today or tomorrow.  Don’t say I didn’t warn you!

So here we go, starting with number 10, let the countdown begin:

#10 Friends in Low Place –  Garth Brooks

This one makes the number 10 spot not so much for the original song, but for the sheer number of times I have been subjected to drunken karaoke versions of the song.  For some reason, this is also a popular song at wedding receptions.  The playing of the song is usually instigated by the Best Man or one of the other grooms men, as they circle around the groom to bellow out the chorus at him.  Most of the other lyrics seem to be muddled or forgotten, as this usually takes place towards the end of the night when the chance of sobriety is completely lost.  Also completely lost is the fact that the song is inappropriate for a wedding.  Listen to the lyrics guys.  They are dumping on the bride.  If you find yourself at a wedding and this song is suggested, just say no.  That is unless your intent is to break up the marriage before it even starts.  The bride will be pissed.

#9 – The Sweet Escape – Gwen Stefani w/Akon

Gwen can go ahead and send her thank you note directly to Akon for landing her on this list.  Although she did have a runner-up song of her own that could have easily made this list on its own merit with Hollaback Girl, it was Akon’s unrelenting “Woo Hoo” throughout this song that won it the number nine position.  Another favorite of my daughter Molly, it takes a quick hand and an even quicker ear to get it off the radio before she notices it.  But since the song starts right out with that damn “Woo Hoo,” it is an almost impossible task.  Alex will often try and help me out by talking very loudly directly at Molly when he hears the song begin to give me a chance to change the station, but as Molly gets older she has become wise to this ploy.  Woo Hoo.

#8 – Who Let the Dogs Out – Baha Men

For many people, this song would probably rate higher on the list, but two factors keep it relatively low on my list.  First, this song truly was just a fad song.  The highest it climbed on the Billboard Pop chart was only #40, and second it faded almost as fast as it arrived.  The only reason I have included it at all is because of its rampant use at sporting events.  The Baltimore Raven most notable used the song on their way to winning the Super Bowl in 2000, and while with the Seattle Mariners, Alex Rodriguez used the song as his walk up music.  Most people don’t even remember that there was an actual song beyond the catch phrase, and I doubt that anyone has heard or played the entire song in a very long time.  The song has basically become a joke, but is still often used in television and film for a quick laugh, most recently in the hit film The Hangover.  I believe you would have a very hard time finding anyone who would actually admit to liking the song, but the fact that the basic tag line has survived and is so recognizable, I feel it has earned it’s spot here on my list.

#7 – Barbie Girl – Aqua

I would never have thought it possible to get two equally annoying yet different voices on one record until I heard this song.  And I heard it a lot.  It only reached #7 on the American charts, but it was a number one hit all over the world.  It was also a hit with my oldest daughter and can unfortunately still be heard on the radio today.  The first time I heard the song myself, I actually thought it was some kind of radio joke.  But Mattel didn’t think it was a joke and the company filed a lawsuit claiming copyright infringement.  But the courts ruled that the song was protected under the First Amendment and that Barbie’s existence in the public domain left her open to parody.  So it was a joke, right?  Without the lawsuit, this song probably would not have gotten the airplay it did, and possibly would not have made it on the list.  It can be argued that Barbie Girl is a classic piece of Bubble Gum Pop, but for me the song is as irritating as a mosquito bite, so it will remain on my list.

#6 – Poker Face – Lady Gaga

I am pretty sure I just heard a collective gasp from all the Lady Gaga fans out there, but trust me on this one; ten years from now this song is Barbie Girl.  It is the only current song that appears on my list, and that might be the main reason it is here.  I still hear the song way too much.  And it was annoying from the very first time I heard it.  I will admit that I do enjoy Lady Gaga’s other hit song Just Dance, but it lacks that same mind numbing repetitiveness that Poker Face subjects us with.  Only time will tell for sure if this song will live up to its irritating legacy, but for now it is not going to disappear from my list.

#5 – The Chicken Dance – Werner Thomas

I credit Werner Thomas with creating this up-tempo polka tune because that seems to be the only thing that most people seem to agree upon about this song.  The tune itself is more than 50 years old, but the story and actual title of the piece varies from source to source.  It is the only instrumental tune on the list (don’t give me that crap about lyrics, I have yet to hear a recorded version with lyrics) and as far as I can tell the tune has never appeared on any music charts here in the United States.  But the fact that everyone reading this can hum the tune and knows when to flap their arms, shake their butts, and make little chirping beak faces with their hands, proves that the song meets the criteria I set of American Pop Culture, so it lands right here at number five.  My inclusion of The Chicken Dance is bound to bring distain form some readers, probably even more so than my inclusion of Lady Gaga.  But damn it, it’s my list.  It stays!

#4 – Mmm Mmm Mmm Mmm – Crash Test Dummies

Dumb title, dumb song, dumb band.   The Billy Bob Thornton, Sling Blade, Karl Childers asinine mumbling chorus makes this song bad enough, but have you ever really tried to listen to the lyrics?  The song just makes no sense.  There’s a boy whose hair turns from black to white because of a car accident and a girl with birthmarks all over her body.  What the hell is this song about?  I can’t quite explain it.  Mmm Mmm Mmm Mmm.  It very easily could have been number one.

#3 – Tubthumper – Chumbawumba

This song makes the number three spot because just like a cold sore on a prom queen, it just keeps popping up.  I have to admit, when I first came up with the idea of this list I couldn’t even remember the name of the song, but I knew it had to be included.  What I can never forget is the mish-mosh of nonsense lyrics.  “I get knocked down, but I get up again, no you’re never gonna keep me down.”  Please, for God’s sake.  Stay Down!  Even the name of the band is irritating.  I know very little about this band, and to be honest I don’t want to know anything about them.  I get the general idea that the song is about the working man and that no matter what “the man” does to him he’s just going to keep coming.  It is basically flipping a giant middle finger at the establishment, but Johnny Paycheck did it much better with Take This Job and Shove It and it didn’t make me want to stab my eardrums with knitting needles. 

#2 – Macarena – Los Del Rio

The only thing that kept this song from being number one was the fact that I have actually not had to listen to it in quite some time.  But taking into account its place in American Pop Culture, this song takes the cake.  This song spent 14 weeks at number one on the Billboard charts, tied for second as the most weeks ever.  The song still retains the number five position on Billboard’s All Time Top 100.  And who can forget the robotic Al Gore attempt at the dance during the 1996 Democratic National Convention.  Unlike the equally irritating Who Let the Dogs Out, this song was not a fad, and it still enjoys airplay at wedding receptions and bar-mitzvahs all across the country.  Grandmothers and young children everywhere are still willing to jump out onto the dance floor to give this one a try.  I will be waiting it out at the bar.  Better make it a double.

#1 – Mambo # 5 – Lou Bega

Another hot hit with the wedding reception crowd, this one I still hear all the time.  Besides the fact that I just heard this song again about a week ago, the main reason this makes the number one spot is that I find the artist just as irritating as the song.  Lou Bega is not Hispanic.  He is not even Spanish.  He’s German.  Ok, so his mother was from Sicily and his father was Ugandan, which did give him a somewhat exotic look, but he is about as Latino as me.  His real name is David Lubega, see how he cleverly just dropped the whole David thing, and he was born raised and still lives in Germany.  The song was “sampled” in its entirety for a 1949 song of the same name, and all Mr. Lubega did was provide his own lyrics.  And aren’t we all happy he did.  The main portion of the song is the “little bit” lyrics that also provide most of the irritation.  I do remember that the show Friends used the song extensively in their advertising because the first woman named on the list was Monica.  Myself, I prefer my German artist angry yet stoic.  Give me those 99 Luftballoons any day.

So, there you have it.  My 10 most irritating songs.  Take a little time to digest them and let me know what you think.  I actually had a lot of fun putting this list together, and I suppose I should give credit to another of my favorite blog sites, Listverse.  I have added them to my Blog Roll if you care to visit them, but it can be very addicting.  I might even visit this format again sometime myself.   But remember, this was all just for fun.  Please don’t threaten my life if I made fun of one of your favorite songs.  If one of your favorite songs was on this list, you have a lot more to worry about than just me.